Reflections: Why I turned to the Law of Attraction
Staying positive is such a difficult thing for me to maintain. I've been cynical, sarcastic, and skeptical for as long as I can remember. I keep my feelings bottled up. I keep secrets to myself, and tell no one. I can hold a grudge for decades. I get angry very quickly and very easily. I can be selfish, vengeful, and unforgiving. And I'm also a pessimist.
I expect the worst so that when it happens I won't be taken by surprise. I've always figured that by preparing myself for the worst case scenario, it'll hurt less if it happens. I figured I could save myself from disappointment. Lately, I've learned that disappointment is a necessary and inescapable part of life. How can we appreciate satisfaction if we have never known disappointment?
I've realized that by shielding myself from disappointment, I may have missed many opportunities. My longest relationship lasted two months. I've always said I'm picky, but the truth is that I am scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, so I never open up. I'm scared of feeling like an outsider, so I don't go to parties. I'm scared of looking like a fool, so I never go dancing. I'm scared that people will really see me and think I am weird, or strange, or stupid. I'm scared that they'll see my insecurities, and judge me. And I deal with those fears by doing everything in my power to prevent them from happening. I keep secrets about my personal life from my friends and family. I lie about my failures. I keep my distance from people so no one gets close enough to ask questions. I avoid situations that are new to me. I hide from my problems. I run from my fears.
I hate living like this. I hate feeling like a coward. I hate myself for not living up to my ideal of a courageous, graceful, dignified, accomplished person. This is why I turned to the law of attraction.
When I first heard about it, I realized that my method of "expecting the worst" usually resulted in the worst-case-scenario coming to pass. I got kicked out of school, I lost bets, I ended up in credit card debt. I lost relationships. I've lost so much already. But I refused to lose myself. I started reading The Magic, and I have been making a real effort to stay positive. It's difficult for me to maintain because this attitude really goes against the grain. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to fight the pessimism and cynicism that has become second nature to me. But I am determined to do it. I know I can change and be the person I was meant to be. I'm going to do it!
Magical Exercise Number Five: Magical Money.
Today's exercise revolved around material wealth. It involved being thankful for the money that I have right now, and being thankful for all the gifts I have received in the past. I had to take a dollar bill, and stick a post it note that read "Thank you for all the money I've been given throughout my life." on it. I'm to keep it with me to remind myself to continue to be thankful.
And now, to count my blessings:
1. Financial Security. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with financial security during my life. I know that I have been much luckier than SO many others in the world. I am very grateful!
2. Money. Thank you, God, for all the money I have been blessed with. Thank you for the degree of independence it provides, and the security it brings. Thank you.
3. Opportunities. Thank you for all the opportunities I've been given in life: an education, college, a dual heritage, a loving family, etc... Thank you.
4. My long eyelashes. Rather vain, I know. But I love my long, thick, naturally curled eyelashes. It's one of the few things I get complimented on, and I am ever so thankful to have them!
5. Privacy. I am thankful for having a trusting family. None of my lies would be possible if I had very nosy parents. I guess, I am thankful for having such trusting parents. I sincerely hope that someday soon, I will be able to live up to deserve that trust. I want more than anything for them to be proud of me.
6. Ella Enchanted. Somehow, this book acts as my security blanket. I always feel so much better after reading it. It gives me courage and hope that if I persevere, someday, things will get better.
7. My grandparents. My grandparents raised me until I was about two years old. Although I only have one left now, I am so thankful to have met most of them, and for having them in my life. Even in death, the stories of their lives, their trials, and their achievements bring me comfort. Their legacies remind me where I come from, and what I am capable of.
8. Public Libraries. I love reading! But I cannot always afford all the books I want. I am so thankful for public libraries , which not only provide numerous books for me to borrow, but provide a productive environment for me to study and learn.
9. Internships. I am thankful for all the internships I have had. I know that I am lucky to have been given these opportunities, and that most of them came down to sheer luck rather than qualifications. I am so thankful for them. Thank you.
10. My blue coat. My blue coat is one of my most prized possessions. It is fashionable, warm, and it was very affordable. On top of that, it makes me feel happy, and content whenever I wear it... like good things are meant to happen. I am so thankful for this coat and how it makes me feel.
Thank you, God, for all my blessings in life. I am ever so grateful!
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