Unfortunately, I chickened out about going to the Debtors Anonymous meeting. What if I saw someone I knew? What if everyone was really old and had careers and families and I was the odd one out -- a tiny little nobody with no education, no job, and a huge shopping addiction?
Point is, I convinced myself that I didn't need to go to the meeting. But about an hour later, I realized it was a mistake. I remembered all the reasons I wanted to go to the meeting. I remembered how I had no self-restraint and how incapable I was to fixing things myself. I really want to go this weekend, and I'm going to make sure that I stay focused on why I need to go.
Speaking of self-restraint, I think I may have gained some points today! I needed to buy an envelope to return an item I'd ordered online (impulse buy). So I went to the store, a little apprehensive because I usually end up buying five things I don't need. And sure enough, as soon as I stepped through the doors, I remembered that the Neosporin at home expired a few months ago. What if someone got a cut?! And as I walked into the row with the mailing items, I remembered that I hadn't bought a decent marker in a while. I should get a new Sharpie marker so that I can address the envelope! But then I remembered that amazon had sent me a prepaid shipping label. Then I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn't need Neosporin because honestly... no one ever uses it in our house. We just clean cuts and sick band-aids on them. No wonder our old tube expired.
And I walked out of the store only having spent $1.09! That has to be a record for me! I don't think I've spent so little at any store ever!
I felt so good about it that I paid off the balance on my library card -- something I've been putting off for quite a while! Now, I only have 3 VISA's left to pay off... But I'm just going to keep at it. Five dollars a month or Fifty a month... the point is that I am working towards a goal that I will eventually reach. That's what I keep telling myself. Every time I think about the daunting reality of my troubles, I get depressed and end up spending money to buy things to distract myself. So, I've decided to stop dwelling on how much I have left to climb, and start focusing on how much I have climbed. I realize that it isn't much right now, but it's something. And eventually, it'll be a substantial amount. I know I can do it!
I hope everyone else is staying positive too!
Until next time,
Silver
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
I Wish There Was Such A Thing As A Responsibility Transplant.
If there was a pill I could take that would make me more responsible, I would take it immediately. You know? A responsibility supplement pill, like a daily vitamin, that would increase your sense of duty and motivate you to meet goals and deadlines. You wouldn't even have to worry about forgetting to take it everyday, because you would be responsible enough to remember after the first day!
Unfortunately there is no such thing in my world, which sucks and just when you think it couldn't suck anymore, it does. I'm still living a lie -- no one knows I'm not in school or that I don't have a job. No one knows that I'm an irresponsible wreck who's just waiting for her life to implode.
I once heard that in order to change your behaviors, you have to want to change. But that can't be right because I'm still me. And I want to change. I so desperately want to change! I want to be responsible like my siblings, and mother. I want to be the type of person who sets a goal and achieves it. I want to be dependable, and trustworthy, and strong.
But I'm weak. I'm weak-minded, and I have no will power. And I have no idea where to find some!
A while ago, I decided that I would pay off my VISA card first. I got it a little while ago when I bought my Macbook Pro; they had a deal that if I used the VISA I'd have 12 months to pay off my laptop without interest. I did pay off my laptop within 12 months, but then I started using the damn card to pay for other things because it had such a large credit line. Before I knew it, I had racked up close to $6,000.00 on it!
Anyway, the interest rate on that card is rather high, so I decided I would pay it off first. The statement said that if I never used the card again, and paid $223.00 every month, I would finish paying off the card in 3 years. So, I made a payment of $300.00 immediately and made a mental not to never use the card except for emergencies. And before I knew it, I started having emergencies everyday! I'd be out with a friend who would want coffee or a pretzel, and I'd have to buy one too, otherwise it would be rude to make her dine alone. I classified these $2 coffees as small emergencies. Two measly dollars wouldn't dent my bank account. Neither would $10 trips to Target, or a $30 one time trip to Bath & Body Works (I can't live without lotion and soap)! Unfortunately, the next credit card statement proved that my method wasn't working.
So I started Plan B: locking my credit card in my Safe Deposit Box. I figured that way, I wouldn't be tempted to use it. Most of my "emergencies" occurred on weekends, and the Bank closes early on Saturday -- so I definitely wouldn't be able to get hold of my card. It's been about a month since I deposited my card, so I logged onto my account today expecting to see zero transactions... boy was I surprised.
I had spent $49.78 since my last statement! Immediately, I remembered the Otterbox phone case I had purchased on Amazon (better to pay $35 for a decent case now than $100 later to replace a broken phone) and all those "one-time purchase" episodes of Friends on Amazon Instant Video... My credit card had been set to the default payment method on my Amazon account, my Nook, my iTunes account, and my Google Play account! All those 99 cent apps sure add up quickly!
Needless to say, I deleted the card from all my accounts. My current balance on the card is $5,491.04 on my VISA (and I have two more almost maxed out VISA's, but I'll focus on those after this one is paid off). Hopefully, I manage to get that below 5k by July.
The point is, I've accepted that I definitely have a problem. A HUGE problem. I heard about a Debtors Anonymous group, I think it's a 12-step program for people who are compulsive spenders. There's a meeting relatively close to me, so I think I'm going to go this weekend. I don't think this is something I can work out on my own anymore, and I really want to avoid involving my family. This Anonymous group could be the perfect middle ground.
I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!
And, of course, I hope you're all enjoying life much more than I am :)
Unfortunately there is no such thing in my world, which sucks and just when you think it couldn't suck anymore, it does. I'm still living a lie -- no one knows I'm not in school or that I don't have a job. No one knows that I'm an irresponsible wreck who's just waiting for her life to implode.
I once heard that in order to change your behaviors, you have to want to change. But that can't be right because I'm still me. And I want to change. I so desperately want to change! I want to be responsible like my siblings, and mother. I want to be the type of person who sets a goal and achieves it. I want to be dependable, and trustworthy, and strong.
But I'm weak. I'm weak-minded, and I have no will power. And I have no idea where to find some!
A while ago, I decided that I would pay off my VISA card first. I got it a little while ago when I bought my Macbook Pro; they had a deal that if I used the VISA I'd have 12 months to pay off my laptop without interest. I did pay off my laptop within 12 months, but then I started using the damn card to pay for other things because it had such a large credit line. Before I knew it, I had racked up close to $6,000.00 on it!
Anyway, the interest rate on that card is rather high, so I decided I would pay it off first. The statement said that if I never used the card again, and paid $223.00 every month, I would finish paying off the card in 3 years. So, I made a payment of $300.00 immediately and made a mental not to never use the card except for emergencies. And before I knew it, I started having emergencies everyday! I'd be out with a friend who would want coffee or a pretzel, and I'd have to buy one too, otherwise it would be rude to make her dine alone. I classified these $2 coffees as small emergencies. Two measly dollars wouldn't dent my bank account. Neither would $10 trips to Target, or a $30 one time trip to Bath & Body Works (I can't live without lotion and soap)! Unfortunately, the next credit card statement proved that my method wasn't working.
So I started Plan B: locking my credit card in my Safe Deposit Box. I figured that way, I wouldn't be tempted to use it. Most of my "emergencies" occurred on weekends, and the Bank closes early on Saturday -- so I definitely wouldn't be able to get hold of my card. It's been about a month since I deposited my card, so I logged onto my account today expecting to see zero transactions... boy was I surprised.
I had spent $49.78 since my last statement! Immediately, I remembered the Otterbox phone case I had purchased on Amazon (better to pay $35 for a decent case now than $100 later to replace a broken phone) and all those "one-time purchase" episodes of Friends on Amazon Instant Video... My credit card had been set to the default payment method on my Amazon account, my Nook, my iTunes account, and my Google Play account! All those 99 cent apps sure add up quickly!
Needless to say, I deleted the card from all my accounts. My current balance on the card is $5,491.04 on my VISA (and I have two more almost maxed out VISA's, but I'll focus on those after this one is paid off). Hopefully, I manage to get that below 5k by July.
The point is, I've accepted that I definitely have a problem. A HUGE problem. I heard about a Debtors Anonymous group, I think it's a 12-step program for people who are compulsive spenders. There's a meeting relatively close to me, so I think I'm going to go this weekend. I don't think this is something I can work out on my own anymore, and I really want to avoid involving my family. This Anonymous group could be the perfect middle ground.
I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!
And, of course, I hope you're all enjoying life much more than I am :)
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