Self-Restraint

Unfortunately, I chickened out about going to the Debtors Anonymous meeting. What if I saw someone I knew? What if everyone was really old and had careers and families and I was the odd one out -- a tiny little nobody with no education, no job, and a huge shopping addiction?

Point is, I convinced myself that I didn't need to go to the meeting. But about an hour later, I realized it was a mistake. I remembered all the reasons I wanted to go to the meeting. I remembered how I had no self-restraint and how incapable I was to fixing things myself. I really want to go this weekend, and I'm going to make sure that I stay focused on why I need to go.

Speaking of self-restraint, I think I may have gained some points today! I needed to buy an envelope to return an item I'd ordered online (impulse buy). So I went to the store, a little apprehensive because I usually end up buying five things I don't need. And sure enough, as soon as I stepped through the doors, I remembered that the Neosporin at home expired a few months ago. What if someone got a cut?! And as I walked into the row with the mailing items, I remembered that I hadn't bought a decent marker in a while. I should get a new Sharpie marker so that I can address the envelope! But then I remembered that amazon had sent me a prepaid shipping label. Then I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn't need Neosporin because honestly... no one ever uses it in our house. We just clean cuts and sick band-aids on them. No wonder our old tube expired.

And I walked out of the store only having spent $1.09! That has to be a record for me! I don't think I've spent so little at any store ever!

I felt so good about it that I paid off the balance on my library card -- something I've been putting off for quite a while! Now, I only have 3 VISA's left to pay off... But I'm just going to keep at it. Five dollars a month or Fifty a month... the point is that I am working towards a goal that I will eventually reach. That's what I keep telling myself. Every time I think about the daunting reality of my troubles, I get depressed and end up spending money to buy things to distract myself. So, I've decided to stop dwelling on how much I have left to climb, and start focusing on how much I have climbed. I realize that it isn't much right now, but it's something. And eventually, it'll be a substantial amount. I know I can do it!

I hope everyone else is staying positive too!

Until next time,

Silver

I Wish There Was Such A Thing As A Responsibility Transplant.

If there was a pill I could take that would make me more responsible, I would take it immediately. You know? A responsibility supplement pill, like a daily vitamin, that would increase your sense of duty and motivate you to meet goals and deadlines. You wouldn't even have to worry about forgetting to take it everyday, because you would be responsible enough to remember after the first day!

Unfortunately there is no such thing in my world, which sucks and just when you think it couldn't suck anymore, it does. I'm still living a lie -- no one knows I'm not in school or that I don't have a job. No one knows that I'm an irresponsible wreck who's just waiting for her life to implode.

I once heard that in order to change your behaviors, you have to want to change. But that can't be right because I'm still me. And I want to change. I so desperately want to change! I want to be responsible like my siblings, and mother. I want to be the type of person who sets a goal and achieves it. I want to be dependable, and trustworthy, and strong.

But I'm weak. I'm weak-minded, and I have no will power. And I have no idea where to find some!

A while ago, I decided that I would pay off my VISA card first. I got it a little while ago when I bought my Macbook Pro; they had a deal that if I used the VISA I'd have 12 months to pay off my laptop without interest. I did pay off my laptop within 12 months, but then I started using the damn card to pay for other things because it had such a large credit line. Before I knew it, I had racked up close to $6,000.00 on it!

Anyway, the interest rate on that card is rather high, so I decided I would pay it off first. The statement said that if I never used the card again, and paid $223.00 every month, I would finish paying off the card in 3 years. So, I made a payment of $300.00 immediately and made a mental not to never use the card except for emergencies. And before I knew it, I started having emergencies everyday! I'd be out with a friend who would want coffee or a pretzel, and I'd have to buy one too, otherwise it would be rude to make her dine alone. I classified these $2 coffees as small emergencies. Two measly dollars wouldn't dent my bank account. Neither would $10 trips to Target, or a $30 one time trip to Bath & Body Works (I can't live without lotion and soap)! Unfortunately, the next credit card statement proved that my method wasn't working.

So I started Plan B: locking my credit card in my Safe Deposit Box. I figured that way, I wouldn't be tempted to use it. Most of my "emergencies" occurred on weekends, and the Bank closes early on Saturday -- so I definitely wouldn't be able to get hold of my card. It's been about a month since I deposited my card, so I logged onto my account today expecting to see zero transactions... boy was I surprised.

I had spent $49.78 since my last statement! Immediately, I remembered the Otterbox phone case I had purchased on Amazon (better to pay $35 for a decent case now than $100 later to replace a broken phone) and all those "one-time purchase" episodes of Friends on Amazon Instant Video... My credit card had been set to the default payment method on my Amazon account, my Nook, my iTunes account, and my Google Play account! All those 99 cent apps sure add up quickly!

Needless to say, I deleted the card from all my accounts. My current balance on the card is $5,491.04 on my VISA (and I have two more almost maxed out VISA's, but I'll focus on those after this one is paid off). Hopefully, I manage to get that below 5k by July.

The point is, I've accepted that I definitely have a problem. A HUGE problem. I heard about a Debtors Anonymous group, I think it's a 12-step program for people who are compulsive spenders. There's a meeting relatively close to me, so I think I'm going to go this weekend. I don't think this is something I can work out on my own anymore, and I really want to avoid involving my family. This Anonymous group could be the perfect middle ground.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!

And, of course, I hope you're all enjoying life much more than I am :)

Vampire Diaries Season 4 Cell Phones

I know I haven't written on this blog in a while... it's been a rough couple months for me.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep and decided to catch up on season 4 of Vampire Diaries last night. I had stopped watching sometime in January.

It's one of my hobbies to see how many tech products I recognize when watching TV shows, and I noticed that Vampire Diaries was advertising A LOT of AT&T this season. I usually love it when characters pull out their brand new gadgets, so I did some google searches to see exactly which cell phones Elena and the crew were using this season... and I got some pretty downright WRONG answers.

Just for fun, I've decided to set the records straight:


Elena Gilbert is sporting an AT&T HTC One X in season 4:

Caroline Forbes started off season 4 with the same HTC Status she was using in season 3:

By Episode 6 of Season 4, Caroline had upgraded to a Nokia Lumia 900, shown below:

Personally, I never thought the Nokia Lumia suited Caroline... it just didn't seem like something she would buy. So I was happy when she traded it in for a newer white Nokia Lumia 920 in Episode 15. The 920 is much more her style:

Magical Practice Six

The Day Six Exercise of Magic has to do with being thankful for the job you have. Well, because I am currently unemployed, I decided to switch it up to being thankful for the jobs I've had in the past.

I am so thankful for my retail job during college. I really needed some cash -- and I'd never held a job before so I walked into the first store that popped into my head and filled out an application. Luckily, I got an interview scheduled that day, and within two weeks, I found out I got the job! I am SO thankful for that because that job really helped me grow up. It was the first time I had to take responsibility and be accountable for anything in my life. Later, the store became like a second home to me. I made some great friends, met some very interesting people, and made some unforgettable memories. I am ever so thankful for that opportunity.

My next job was a summer internship. It was the very first one I applied to, and I got an interview right away, and within two weeks (again), I found out I had gotten it! It payed amazingly well, and I was able to learn SO much! It was my very first office job, so I learned a lot about corporate culture. It was the first time I felt what it was like in the "real world." I am so very thankful for that opportunity as well!

As for counting my blessings, I've just taken some NyQuil because I'm still sick from last week. So, I'll just list the things I'm grateful for with short descriptions:

1. Microwave. I am so thankful for the microwave because it saves me so much time throughout the day.
2. My very keen sense of hearing. I have terrible eyesight, so I'm glad that my hearing is very sharp. I can hear so many things that my friends and family can't, and that makes me feel special. Thank you for that, God.
3. Modern medicine. Everyday I marvel at how much progress we have made in terms of medicine and health care. Finding out that doctors may have "cured" HIV in a toddler makes me feel so glad to be living in an era where I can start ruling out diseases to be afraid of. I'm not saying I'll never get HIV, but I'm thankful that the hard work of researchers and dedicated professionals is paying off. Thank you, God.
4. Target. I am thankful for stores like Target, because they make so many things available for such an affordable price. I love that everything is so clean and nice when I shop. It enhances my shopping experience and brightens my whole day! I'm so thankful!
5. Cleopatra. She was such an intelligent and dedicated person. I'm so thankful for people like her in history. Especially women, wo give me an ideal to look up to -- a role model. I am thankful!
6. My big comfy bed. I am so thankful for having such a comfortable place to sleep. I know I am blessed and that I am lucky because there are so many who won't be as comfortable tonight. I must remember to donate somethings to red cross and good will, and maybe help out at a homeless shelter. I am very thankful for my blessing of a bed.
7. Nail polish. It's my favorite accessory. It makes me so happy to have well manicured, beautiful nails. I am so thankful for nail polish and the happiness it brings me.
8. Pentel Ener-Gel Liquid Ink Gel Pens. After searching for the perfect pen for so long, I finally found it. I am SO thankful for these wonderful pens that write so smoothly, in flawless fine lines of clear sharp ink which doesn't show on the other side of the paper, AND doesn't leak!
9. Kleenex. Especially when I am sick, I appreciate the disposable tissues which give me so much relief! Thank you, God.
10. Scrapbooks. I know they are becoming old-fashioned, but I love scrapbooks. Even if they do become obsolete someday, I will still be thankful that they existed at some point. I love collections of photos and memorabilia so immersed in one another that they tell a story about the owner, and his/her experiences.

Thank you, God, for all of my blessings. I am so very thankful!

Magic Day 5: Magic Money

Reflections: Why I turned to the Law of Attraction

Staying positive is such a difficult thing for me to maintain. I've been cynical, sarcastic, and skeptical for as long as I can remember. I keep my feelings bottled up. I keep secrets to myself, and tell no one. I can hold a grudge for decades. I get angry very quickly and very easily. I can be selfish, vengeful, and unforgiving. And I'm also a pessimist.

I expect the worst so that when it happens I won't be taken by surprise. I've always figured that by preparing myself for the worst case scenario, it'll hurt less if it happens. I figured I could save myself from disappointment. Lately, I've learned that disappointment is a necessary and inescapable part of life.  How can we appreciate satisfaction if we have never known disappointment?

I've realized that by shielding myself from disappointment, I may have missed many opportunities. My longest relationship lasted two months. I've always said I'm picky, but the truth is that I am scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, so I never open up. I'm scared of feeling like an outsider, so I don't go to parties. I'm scared of looking like a fool, so I never go dancing. I'm scared that people will really see me and think I am weird, or strange, or stupid. I'm scared that they'll see my insecurities, and judge me. And I deal with those fears by doing everything in my power to prevent them from happening. I keep secrets about my personal life from my friends and family. I lie about my failures. I keep my distance from people so no one gets close enough to ask questions. I avoid situations that are new to me. I hide from my problems. I run from my fears.

I hate living like this. I hate feeling like a coward. I hate myself for not living up to my ideal of a courageous, graceful, dignified, accomplished person. This is why I turned to the law of attraction.

When I first heard about it, I realized that my method of "expecting the worst" usually resulted in the worst-case-scenario coming to pass. I got kicked out of school, I lost bets, I ended up in credit card debt. I lost relationships. I've lost so much already. But I refused to lose myself. I started reading The Magic, and I have been making a real effort to stay positive. It's difficult for me to maintain because this attitude really goes against the grain. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to fight the pessimism and cynicism that has become second nature to me. But I am determined to do it. I know I can change and be the person I was meant to be. I'm going to do it!

Magical Exercise Number Five: Magical Money.

Today's exercise revolved around material wealth. It involved being thankful for the money that I have right now, and being thankful for all the gifts I have received in the past. I had to take a dollar bill, and stick a post it note that read "Thank you for all the money I've been given throughout my life." on it. I'm to keep it with me to remind myself to continue to be thankful.

And now, to count my blessings:

1. Financial Security. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with financial security during my life. I know that I have been much luckier than SO many others in the world. I am very grateful!
2. Money. Thank you, God, for all the money I have been blessed with. Thank you for the degree of independence it provides, and the security it brings. Thank you.
3. Opportunities. Thank you for all the opportunities I've been given in life: an education, college, a dual heritage, a loving family, etc... Thank you.
4. My long eyelashes. Rather vain, I know. But I love my long, thick, naturally curled eyelashes. It's one of the few things I get complimented on, and I am ever so thankful to have them!
5. Privacy. I am thankful for having a trusting family. None of my lies would be possible if I had very nosy parents. I guess, I am thankful for having such trusting parents. I sincerely hope that someday soon, I will be able to live up to deserve that trust. I want more than anything for them to be proud of me.
6. Ella Enchanted. Somehow, this book acts as my security blanket. I always feel so much better after reading it. It gives me courage and hope that if I persevere, someday, things will get better.
7. My grandparents. My grandparents raised me until I was about two years old. Although I only have one left now, I am so thankful to have met most of them, and for having them in my life. Even in death, the stories of their lives, their trials, and their achievements bring me comfort. Their legacies remind me where I come from, and what I am capable of.
8. Public Libraries. I love reading! But I cannot always afford all the books I want. I am so thankful for public libraries , which not only provide numerous books for me to borrow, but provide a productive environment for me to study and learn.
9. Internships. I am thankful for all the internships I have had. I know that I am lucky to have been given these opportunities, and that most of them came down to sheer luck rather than qualifications. I am so thankful for them. Thank you.
10. My blue coat. My blue coat is one of my most prized possessions. It is fashionable, warm, and it was very affordable. On top of that, it makes me feel happy, and content whenever I wear it... like good things are meant to happen. I am so thankful for this coat and how it makes me feel.

Thank you, God, for all my blessings in life. I am ever so grateful!

Magic Day 4: Magical Health

Hello everyone!

So, the fourth chapter of The Magic is about Magical Health. The chapter opens with a quotation by Virgil: "the greatest wealth is health." That was something I could relate to because I've been feeling under the weather lately. But the chapter four exercise had me thank God for all my health related blessings: my five senses, my working body, mind, and everything in between. My task was to write "The Gift of Health is Keeping Me Alive" on an index card and keep it someplace I would be likely to notice often. It served as a reminder for me to be thankful throughout the day.

Here is a picture of my index card:

In addition to the Magical Health exercise, I'm still required to count my blessings daily. So, here goes.

1. My home. I am so thankful for my beautiful, comfortable, and spacious home. It gives me and my family shelter, warmth, and security, and for that I am so very thankful!
2. My parents jobs. This is something that I've often overlooked, but my parents provide for me financially, and pay for this house, our cars, our food, water, and everything else. None of that would be possible without their jobs. I am so thankful that my parents have good jobs, especially when the economy is in the state that it is in. Thank you, God.
3. My family's health. My family's health is just as important to me as my own health. I am so thankful that they are healthy and happy!
4. Twitter. I am thankful for twitter because of the amounts of celebrities, businessmen/women, social leaders, etc.. that use it. It allows me to connect with people that I look up to in a much more direct way. I love that, and I am so thankful!
5. RedBox. I'm thankful to redbox and it's revolutionary way of giving me access to new films for such an affordable price. It's because of such innovation that we are all able to have more exposure to culture :)
6. MOOC's. After being academically dismissed, I discovered MOOC's (massive open online courses), which allow me to continue learning at my own pace -- FOR FREE! I am  so thankful for this chance to continue my education. Of course, I intend to go back to school to complete my formal education, but in the mean time, MOOC's let me develop skills which help me get jobs to help pay for my formal education.
7. My financial aid for school. I am so thankful for my financial aid which allowed me to attend school in the first place. With the skyrocketing prices of education, financial aid allowed me to experience college, and learn (as much as I did). For that chance, I am ever so grateful.
8. My keyboard. I've wanted to learn to play the piano since middle school, but we could never afford a  real one... and my parents never bought me a keyboard piano. But last summer, I finally saved up enough to buy my own. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with the opportunity as it is one of my favorite possessions. I'm not very experienced on it, yet, but one day I hope I will be. I am so thankful!
9. My poetry workshop instructor. He was the first teacher that really believed in me, made me feel special. Unique. Poetry used to seem like a foreign language to me, until that class. I am so thankful for such teachers, who motivate you.
10. My HTML and CSS book. This book is the most useful tool I have in learning about web development. It has so many pictures and such detailed explanations that it makes learning simple. I am so thankful for such a useful book.

Well, that's my Day 4 exercise. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend, and staying positive :)

Silver

Magic Day 3: Magical Relationships

Magical Relationships

The third exercise of Magic, by Rhonda Byrne, is to be grateful to the people in your life. You are to chose three of your closest relationships, get photos of each, and write five things you are most grateful for about each person.

I would recommend buying The Magic by Rhonda Byrne if you are interested in taking this journey.  The book has much more detailed instructions and explanations about each exercise and why we follow them. Used copies are available of The Magic are available on Amazon for around $7.00 -- a very reasonable price for such a useful book! That's less than a burrito and a drink at Chipotle! 

Anyway, for my 3 relationships, I picked a friend who I'll call N, an old friend who I'll call J, and an old neighbor, C. I refrained from picking anyone in my family, because I am thankful to them everyday so I thought I'd mix it up a by picking people that I forget to be thankful to.

For some introduction, N is a friend who I met in high school. We went to separate universities, but we have still managed to stay very close, which I think is a sign that our friendship will endure. N has always been very moral, a bit of a goody-two shoes. She always kept me grounded and has helped me make good decisions on more than one occasion. Friends like that are worth more than gold.

1. Thank you, N, for not judging my honest mistakes.
2. Thank you, N, for kindly letting me know when I did something wrong, and still standing by my side and helping me fix the situation as a true friend would.
3. Thank you, N, for always telling me the truth -- even when you knew it would hurt me. And thank you for being there to support me when I was hurting.
4. Thank you, N, for encouraging me to work hard in school, and showing me how hard work pays off in the end.
5. Thank you, N, for being so considerate on my last birthday, and insisting on taking me out. You really made me feel special :)

J is someone that I met when I started working at my first real job. He was a very charismatic, ambitious, and witty guy. We shared a lot of the same interests and quirks, and he showed me that it's okay to be myself. I learned that I don't have to work so hard to seem perfect all the time, and that it's okay to be silly and weird.

1. Thank you, J, for showing me that there ARE people just as quirky as myself out there in the world.
2. Thank you, J, for being perceptive and knowing when I was sad or upset. And thank you even more for always making me feel better!
3. Thank you, J, for indulging my love for puzzles and riddles and being the best riddle partner I've ever had.
4. Thank you, J, for introducing me to modern instrumental music. It's something I never would have known I loved if it wasn't for you!
5. Thank you, J, for showing me that there are truly loyal people in the world -- just when I'd given up hope. Thank you.

C was like a second mom for me. My own mother is an extraordinary woman. She works really hard to support our family, and on top of working 50-60 hours a week, she still makes time to cook for us, do housework, go grocery shopping, etc... But while I was growing up, my mom was very strict. She gave us 100% and she expected it in return. She had no patience for trifling issues like friends being mean or boys teasing us in school. If I had trouble with a friend at school, or if my crush asked another girl to the winter formal, C was the person I would cry too. Her soft, caring, maternal words would comfort me instantly, and her wise advice guided me safely through the emotional roller-coaster that is high school.

1. Thank you, C, for believing in me. Thank you for giving opportunities to babysit which taught be to be responsible and handle money responsibly. 
2. Thank you, C, for telling me that I could do anything and teaching me not to accept limitations due to my race or gender.
3. Thank you, C, for setting a great example of an adult. I've learned so much about what makes a great person from growing up watching you.
4. Thank you, C, for being on my side. Thank you for taking me to summer camp, and making sure that I was in the group that I wanted to be in before leaving. Thank you for picking me up from school when my parents couldn't make it. Thank you for fighting for me when a teacher was being unreasonable and unfair.
5. Thank you, C, for being a second mother to me. Thanks for the make up tips, fashion tips, and just advice in general on surviving grade school. You really showed me that it does take a village to raise a kid. Thanks for being a village :)

Counting my Blessings

Wow. That took up more time than I thought it would. Luckily, the magical relationships exercise is something that only lasts for one day. The other two, the Magical Rock and Counting Your Blessings is a continuos exercise that I have to do everyday until I finish the book.

So, here are my blessings for today:

1. My friend, N, for all the reasons I listed above. I am so thankful to have her as a friend.
2. My old friend, J, for the above reasons. I am so thankful to have met him!
3. My old neighbor, C, for the above reasons. I am so thankful to have her.
4. My Macbook. I am so thankful for my laptop because it gives me a convenient way to do my homework, connect with my friends, store pictures, work on my blog, etc...
5. Netflix. I am especially thankful for Netflix on a day like today, when I am sick (with a common cold, I think). Netflix gives me a chance to entertain myself as I rest and drink lots of fluids.
6. My electric blanket. I am so thankful that electric blankets exist. It keeps me warm when I am cold or sick so that I can still sit in cold rooms in my house and feel comfortable.
7. James Franco. I am thankful for this actor because his capacity to focus gives me hope that it can be done. He is such an inspiration by going to school while acting, teaching, and still doing other projects. Thinking of him gives me hope, and I am so thankful!
8. Cameras! I am so thankful that we live in the era of digital cameras and instant portraits! We have the ability to photo-document our entire lives -- not just rare, premeditated moments.
9. Always Infinity.  Might be a strange thing to be thankful for, but I'm sure that all the girls who tried it are thankful! It's so good to be able to sleep confidently when mother nature pays a visit :)
10. Chocolate. Nothing makes me feel instantly better like chocolate does. I am so thankful for chocolate and everything that it enhances (i.e. chocolate milk, cookies, strawberries, etc...).