I think I'm having a panic attack. I've never had one before, so I'm not sure what the symptoms are. But my heart is pounding, and all I see are the possible negative outcomes of my decisions.
I got my official academic dismissal email and now I can't stop wondering if this is the beginning of the end of my life. What if I don't get a job at ALL this semester? How will I pay off my credit card debt? How will I save enough money to move out? How will I tell my parents that I'm a failure? How will I complete my education? All my friends and family will be angry and disappointed in me. I've been kicked out of College! Damn. How on earth did I let this happen?
What do people do in these situations? Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Has anyone been a decent student in high school, scored well on their SAT's and been accepted into a competitive University, and then been kicked out their senior year?! I feel like the world's biggest failure right now. I don't know what my problem is. Why can't I learn material by reading the textbook? Why can't I pay attention in lecture? Why can't I make myself GO to lecture? Why am I my own worst enemy?
I feel like I just can't catch a break. Like I can't do anything right. I'm SO mad at myself, I can't stand it. I'm mad that I'm the reason I'm in this mess. I'm mad that I'm so self-destructive. I am so desperately wishing that I were in any other situation so that I could be mad at someone or something else. God, a drunk driver, the economy, a doctor, or fate.
I hate feeling this way. Alone. Cornered. Hopeless. Defeated. Is this despair?
It's horrible. I hope you never have to feel this way.
Silver
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