Self-Restraint

Unfortunately, I chickened out about going to the Debtors Anonymous meeting. What if I saw someone I knew? What if everyone was really old and had careers and families and I was the odd one out -- a tiny little nobody with no education, no job, and a huge shopping addiction?

Point is, I convinced myself that I didn't need to go to the meeting. But about an hour later, I realized it was a mistake. I remembered all the reasons I wanted to go to the meeting. I remembered how I had no self-restraint and how incapable I was to fixing things myself. I really want to go this weekend, and I'm going to make sure that I stay focused on why I need to go.

Speaking of self-restraint, I think I may have gained some points today! I needed to buy an envelope to return an item I'd ordered online (impulse buy). So I went to the store, a little apprehensive because I usually end up buying five things I don't need. And sure enough, as soon as I stepped through the doors, I remembered that the Neosporin at home expired a few months ago. What if someone got a cut?! And as I walked into the row with the mailing items, I remembered that I hadn't bought a decent marker in a while. I should get a new Sharpie marker so that I can address the envelope! But then I remembered that amazon had sent me a prepaid shipping label. Then I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn't need Neosporin because honestly... no one ever uses it in our house. We just clean cuts and sick band-aids on them. No wonder our old tube expired.

And I walked out of the store only having spent $1.09! That has to be a record for me! I don't think I've spent so little at any store ever!

I felt so good about it that I paid off the balance on my library card -- something I've been putting off for quite a while! Now, I only have 3 VISA's left to pay off... But I'm just going to keep at it. Five dollars a month or Fifty a month... the point is that I am working towards a goal that I will eventually reach. That's what I keep telling myself. Every time I think about the daunting reality of my troubles, I get depressed and end up spending money to buy things to distract myself. So, I've decided to stop dwelling on how much I have left to climb, and start focusing on how much I have climbed. I realize that it isn't much right now, but it's something. And eventually, it'll be a substantial amount. I know I can do it!

I hope everyone else is staying positive too!

Until next time,

Silver

I Wish There Was Such A Thing As A Responsibility Transplant.

If there was a pill I could take that would make me more responsible, I would take it immediately. You know? A responsibility supplement pill, like a daily vitamin, that would increase your sense of duty and motivate you to meet goals and deadlines. You wouldn't even have to worry about forgetting to take it everyday, because you would be responsible enough to remember after the first day!

Unfortunately there is no such thing in my world, which sucks and just when you think it couldn't suck anymore, it does. I'm still living a lie -- no one knows I'm not in school or that I don't have a job. No one knows that I'm an irresponsible wreck who's just waiting for her life to implode.

I once heard that in order to change your behaviors, you have to want to change. But that can't be right because I'm still me. And I want to change. I so desperately want to change! I want to be responsible like my siblings, and mother. I want to be the type of person who sets a goal and achieves it. I want to be dependable, and trustworthy, and strong.

But I'm weak. I'm weak-minded, and I have no will power. And I have no idea where to find some!

A while ago, I decided that I would pay off my VISA card first. I got it a little while ago when I bought my Macbook Pro; they had a deal that if I used the VISA I'd have 12 months to pay off my laptop without interest. I did pay off my laptop within 12 months, but then I started using the damn card to pay for other things because it had such a large credit line. Before I knew it, I had racked up close to $6,000.00 on it!

Anyway, the interest rate on that card is rather high, so I decided I would pay it off first. The statement said that if I never used the card again, and paid $223.00 every month, I would finish paying off the card in 3 years. So, I made a payment of $300.00 immediately and made a mental not to never use the card except for emergencies. And before I knew it, I started having emergencies everyday! I'd be out with a friend who would want coffee or a pretzel, and I'd have to buy one too, otherwise it would be rude to make her dine alone. I classified these $2 coffees as small emergencies. Two measly dollars wouldn't dent my bank account. Neither would $10 trips to Target, or a $30 one time trip to Bath & Body Works (I can't live without lotion and soap)! Unfortunately, the next credit card statement proved that my method wasn't working.

So I started Plan B: locking my credit card in my Safe Deposit Box. I figured that way, I wouldn't be tempted to use it. Most of my "emergencies" occurred on weekends, and the Bank closes early on Saturday -- so I definitely wouldn't be able to get hold of my card. It's been about a month since I deposited my card, so I logged onto my account today expecting to see zero transactions... boy was I surprised.

I had spent $49.78 since my last statement! Immediately, I remembered the Otterbox phone case I had purchased on Amazon (better to pay $35 for a decent case now than $100 later to replace a broken phone) and all those "one-time purchase" episodes of Friends on Amazon Instant Video... My credit card had been set to the default payment method on my Amazon account, my Nook, my iTunes account, and my Google Play account! All those 99 cent apps sure add up quickly!

Needless to say, I deleted the card from all my accounts. My current balance on the card is $5,491.04 on my VISA (and I have two more almost maxed out VISA's, but I'll focus on those after this one is paid off). Hopefully, I manage to get that below 5k by July.

The point is, I've accepted that I definitely have a problem. A HUGE problem. I heard about a Debtors Anonymous group, I think it's a 12-step program for people who are compulsive spenders. There's a meeting relatively close to me, so I think I'm going to go this weekend. I don't think this is something I can work out on my own anymore, and I really want to avoid involving my family. This Anonymous group could be the perfect middle ground.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!

And, of course, I hope you're all enjoying life much more than I am :)

Vampire Diaries Season 4 Cell Phones

I know I haven't written on this blog in a while... it's been a rough couple months for me.

Anyway, I couldn't sleep and decided to catch up on season 4 of Vampire Diaries last night. I had stopped watching sometime in January.

It's one of my hobbies to see how many tech products I recognize when watching TV shows, and I noticed that Vampire Diaries was advertising A LOT of AT&T this season. I usually love it when characters pull out their brand new gadgets, so I did some google searches to see exactly which cell phones Elena and the crew were using this season... and I got some pretty downright WRONG answers.

Just for fun, I've decided to set the records straight:


Elena Gilbert is sporting an AT&T HTC One X in season 4:

Caroline Forbes started off season 4 with the same HTC Status she was using in season 3:

By Episode 6 of Season 4, Caroline had upgraded to a Nokia Lumia 900, shown below:

Personally, I never thought the Nokia Lumia suited Caroline... it just didn't seem like something she would buy. So I was happy when she traded it in for a newer white Nokia Lumia 920 in Episode 15. The 920 is much more her style:

Magical Practice Six

The Day Six Exercise of Magic has to do with being thankful for the job you have. Well, because I am currently unemployed, I decided to switch it up to being thankful for the jobs I've had in the past.

I am so thankful for my retail job during college. I really needed some cash -- and I'd never held a job before so I walked into the first store that popped into my head and filled out an application. Luckily, I got an interview scheduled that day, and within two weeks, I found out I got the job! I am SO thankful for that because that job really helped me grow up. It was the first time I had to take responsibility and be accountable for anything in my life. Later, the store became like a second home to me. I made some great friends, met some very interesting people, and made some unforgettable memories. I am ever so thankful for that opportunity.

My next job was a summer internship. It was the very first one I applied to, and I got an interview right away, and within two weeks (again), I found out I had gotten it! It payed amazingly well, and I was able to learn SO much! It was my very first office job, so I learned a lot about corporate culture. It was the first time I felt what it was like in the "real world." I am so very thankful for that opportunity as well!

As for counting my blessings, I've just taken some NyQuil because I'm still sick from last week. So, I'll just list the things I'm grateful for with short descriptions:

1. Microwave. I am so thankful for the microwave because it saves me so much time throughout the day.
2. My very keen sense of hearing. I have terrible eyesight, so I'm glad that my hearing is very sharp. I can hear so many things that my friends and family can't, and that makes me feel special. Thank you for that, God.
3. Modern medicine. Everyday I marvel at how much progress we have made in terms of medicine and health care. Finding out that doctors may have "cured" HIV in a toddler makes me feel so glad to be living in an era where I can start ruling out diseases to be afraid of. I'm not saying I'll never get HIV, but I'm thankful that the hard work of researchers and dedicated professionals is paying off. Thank you, God.
4. Target. I am thankful for stores like Target, because they make so many things available for such an affordable price. I love that everything is so clean and nice when I shop. It enhances my shopping experience and brightens my whole day! I'm so thankful!
5. Cleopatra. She was such an intelligent and dedicated person. I'm so thankful for people like her in history. Especially women, wo give me an ideal to look up to -- a role model. I am thankful!
6. My big comfy bed. I am so thankful for having such a comfortable place to sleep. I know I am blessed and that I am lucky because there are so many who won't be as comfortable tonight. I must remember to donate somethings to red cross and good will, and maybe help out at a homeless shelter. I am very thankful for my blessing of a bed.
7. Nail polish. It's my favorite accessory. It makes me so happy to have well manicured, beautiful nails. I am so thankful for nail polish and the happiness it brings me.
8. Pentel Ener-Gel Liquid Ink Gel Pens. After searching for the perfect pen for so long, I finally found it. I am SO thankful for these wonderful pens that write so smoothly, in flawless fine lines of clear sharp ink which doesn't show on the other side of the paper, AND doesn't leak!
9. Kleenex. Especially when I am sick, I appreciate the disposable tissues which give me so much relief! Thank you, God.
10. Scrapbooks. I know they are becoming old-fashioned, but I love scrapbooks. Even if they do become obsolete someday, I will still be thankful that they existed at some point. I love collections of photos and memorabilia so immersed in one another that they tell a story about the owner, and his/her experiences.

Thank you, God, for all of my blessings. I am so very thankful!

Magic Day 5: Magic Money

Reflections: Why I turned to the Law of Attraction

Staying positive is such a difficult thing for me to maintain. I've been cynical, sarcastic, and skeptical for as long as I can remember. I keep my feelings bottled up. I keep secrets to myself, and tell no one. I can hold a grudge for decades. I get angry very quickly and very easily. I can be selfish, vengeful, and unforgiving. And I'm also a pessimist.

I expect the worst so that when it happens I won't be taken by surprise. I've always figured that by preparing myself for the worst case scenario, it'll hurt less if it happens. I figured I could save myself from disappointment. Lately, I've learned that disappointment is a necessary and inescapable part of life.  How can we appreciate satisfaction if we have never known disappointment?

I've realized that by shielding myself from disappointment, I may have missed many opportunities. My longest relationship lasted two months. I've always said I'm picky, but the truth is that I am scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, so I never open up. I'm scared of feeling like an outsider, so I don't go to parties. I'm scared of looking like a fool, so I never go dancing. I'm scared that people will really see me and think I am weird, or strange, or stupid. I'm scared that they'll see my insecurities, and judge me. And I deal with those fears by doing everything in my power to prevent them from happening. I keep secrets about my personal life from my friends and family. I lie about my failures. I keep my distance from people so no one gets close enough to ask questions. I avoid situations that are new to me. I hide from my problems. I run from my fears.

I hate living like this. I hate feeling like a coward. I hate myself for not living up to my ideal of a courageous, graceful, dignified, accomplished person. This is why I turned to the law of attraction.

When I first heard about it, I realized that my method of "expecting the worst" usually resulted in the worst-case-scenario coming to pass. I got kicked out of school, I lost bets, I ended up in credit card debt. I lost relationships. I've lost so much already. But I refused to lose myself. I started reading The Magic, and I have been making a real effort to stay positive. It's difficult for me to maintain because this attitude really goes against the grain. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to fight the pessimism and cynicism that has become second nature to me. But I am determined to do it. I know I can change and be the person I was meant to be. I'm going to do it!

Magical Exercise Number Five: Magical Money.

Today's exercise revolved around material wealth. It involved being thankful for the money that I have right now, and being thankful for all the gifts I have received in the past. I had to take a dollar bill, and stick a post it note that read "Thank you for all the money I've been given throughout my life." on it. I'm to keep it with me to remind myself to continue to be thankful.

And now, to count my blessings:

1. Financial Security. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with financial security during my life. I know that I have been much luckier than SO many others in the world. I am very grateful!
2. Money. Thank you, God, for all the money I have been blessed with. Thank you for the degree of independence it provides, and the security it brings. Thank you.
3. Opportunities. Thank you for all the opportunities I've been given in life: an education, college, a dual heritage, a loving family, etc... Thank you.
4. My long eyelashes. Rather vain, I know. But I love my long, thick, naturally curled eyelashes. It's one of the few things I get complimented on, and I am ever so thankful to have them!
5. Privacy. I am thankful for having a trusting family. None of my lies would be possible if I had very nosy parents. I guess, I am thankful for having such trusting parents. I sincerely hope that someday soon, I will be able to live up to deserve that trust. I want more than anything for them to be proud of me.
6. Ella Enchanted. Somehow, this book acts as my security blanket. I always feel so much better after reading it. It gives me courage and hope that if I persevere, someday, things will get better.
7. My grandparents. My grandparents raised me until I was about two years old. Although I only have one left now, I am so thankful to have met most of them, and for having them in my life. Even in death, the stories of their lives, their trials, and their achievements bring me comfort. Their legacies remind me where I come from, and what I am capable of.
8. Public Libraries. I love reading! But I cannot always afford all the books I want. I am so thankful for public libraries , which not only provide numerous books for me to borrow, but provide a productive environment for me to study and learn.
9. Internships. I am thankful for all the internships I have had. I know that I am lucky to have been given these opportunities, and that most of them came down to sheer luck rather than qualifications. I am so thankful for them. Thank you.
10. My blue coat. My blue coat is one of my most prized possessions. It is fashionable, warm, and it was very affordable. On top of that, it makes me feel happy, and content whenever I wear it... like good things are meant to happen. I am so thankful for this coat and how it makes me feel.

Thank you, God, for all my blessings in life. I am ever so grateful!

Magic Day 4: Magical Health

Hello everyone!

So, the fourth chapter of The Magic is about Magical Health. The chapter opens with a quotation by Virgil: "the greatest wealth is health." That was something I could relate to because I've been feeling under the weather lately. But the chapter four exercise had me thank God for all my health related blessings: my five senses, my working body, mind, and everything in between. My task was to write "The Gift of Health is Keeping Me Alive" on an index card and keep it someplace I would be likely to notice often. It served as a reminder for me to be thankful throughout the day.

Here is a picture of my index card:

In addition to the Magical Health exercise, I'm still required to count my blessings daily. So, here goes.

1. My home. I am so thankful for my beautiful, comfortable, and spacious home. It gives me and my family shelter, warmth, and security, and for that I am so very thankful!
2. My parents jobs. This is something that I've often overlooked, but my parents provide for me financially, and pay for this house, our cars, our food, water, and everything else. None of that would be possible without their jobs. I am so thankful that my parents have good jobs, especially when the economy is in the state that it is in. Thank you, God.
3. My family's health. My family's health is just as important to me as my own health. I am so thankful that they are healthy and happy!
4. Twitter. I am thankful for twitter because of the amounts of celebrities, businessmen/women, social leaders, etc.. that use it. It allows me to connect with people that I look up to in a much more direct way. I love that, and I am so thankful!
5. RedBox. I'm thankful to redbox and it's revolutionary way of giving me access to new films for such an affordable price. It's because of such innovation that we are all able to have more exposure to culture :)
6. MOOC's. After being academically dismissed, I discovered MOOC's (massive open online courses), which allow me to continue learning at my own pace -- FOR FREE! I am  so thankful for this chance to continue my education. Of course, I intend to go back to school to complete my formal education, but in the mean time, MOOC's let me develop skills which help me get jobs to help pay for my formal education.
7. My financial aid for school. I am so thankful for my financial aid which allowed me to attend school in the first place. With the skyrocketing prices of education, financial aid allowed me to experience college, and learn (as much as I did). For that chance, I am ever so grateful.
8. My keyboard. I've wanted to learn to play the piano since middle school, but we could never afford a  real one... and my parents never bought me a keyboard piano. But last summer, I finally saved up enough to buy my own. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with the opportunity as it is one of my favorite possessions. I'm not very experienced on it, yet, but one day I hope I will be. I am so thankful!
9. My poetry workshop instructor. He was the first teacher that really believed in me, made me feel special. Unique. Poetry used to seem like a foreign language to me, until that class. I am so thankful for such teachers, who motivate you.
10. My HTML and CSS book. This book is the most useful tool I have in learning about web development. It has so many pictures and such detailed explanations that it makes learning simple. I am so thankful for such a useful book.

Well, that's my Day 4 exercise. I hope everyone else is having a great weekend, and staying positive :)

Silver

Magic Day 3: Magical Relationships

Magical Relationships

The third exercise of Magic, by Rhonda Byrne, is to be grateful to the people in your life. You are to chose three of your closest relationships, get photos of each, and write five things you are most grateful for about each person.

I would recommend buying The Magic by Rhonda Byrne if you are interested in taking this journey.  The book has much more detailed instructions and explanations about each exercise and why we follow them. Used copies are available of The Magic are available on Amazon for around $7.00 -- a very reasonable price for such a useful book! That's less than a burrito and a drink at Chipotle! 

Anyway, for my 3 relationships, I picked a friend who I'll call N, an old friend who I'll call J, and an old neighbor, C. I refrained from picking anyone in my family, because I am thankful to them everyday so I thought I'd mix it up a by picking people that I forget to be thankful to.

For some introduction, N is a friend who I met in high school. We went to separate universities, but we have still managed to stay very close, which I think is a sign that our friendship will endure. N has always been very moral, a bit of a goody-two shoes. She always kept me grounded and has helped me make good decisions on more than one occasion. Friends like that are worth more than gold.

1. Thank you, N, for not judging my honest mistakes.
2. Thank you, N, for kindly letting me know when I did something wrong, and still standing by my side and helping me fix the situation as a true friend would.
3. Thank you, N, for always telling me the truth -- even when you knew it would hurt me. And thank you for being there to support me when I was hurting.
4. Thank you, N, for encouraging me to work hard in school, and showing me how hard work pays off in the end.
5. Thank you, N, for being so considerate on my last birthday, and insisting on taking me out. You really made me feel special :)

J is someone that I met when I started working at my first real job. He was a very charismatic, ambitious, and witty guy. We shared a lot of the same interests and quirks, and he showed me that it's okay to be myself. I learned that I don't have to work so hard to seem perfect all the time, and that it's okay to be silly and weird.

1. Thank you, J, for showing me that there ARE people just as quirky as myself out there in the world.
2. Thank you, J, for being perceptive and knowing when I was sad or upset. And thank you even more for always making me feel better!
3. Thank you, J, for indulging my love for puzzles and riddles and being the best riddle partner I've ever had.
4. Thank you, J, for introducing me to modern instrumental music. It's something I never would have known I loved if it wasn't for you!
5. Thank you, J, for showing me that there are truly loyal people in the world -- just when I'd given up hope. Thank you.

C was like a second mom for me. My own mother is an extraordinary woman. She works really hard to support our family, and on top of working 50-60 hours a week, she still makes time to cook for us, do housework, go grocery shopping, etc... But while I was growing up, my mom was very strict. She gave us 100% and she expected it in return. She had no patience for trifling issues like friends being mean or boys teasing us in school. If I had trouble with a friend at school, or if my crush asked another girl to the winter formal, C was the person I would cry too. Her soft, caring, maternal words would comfort me instantly, and her wise advice guided me safely through the emotional roller-coaster that is high school.

1. Thank you, C, for believing in me. Thank you for giving opportunities to babysit which taught be to be responsible and handle money responsibly. 
2. Thank you, C, for telling me that I could do anything and teaching me not to accept limitations due to my race or gender.
3. Thank you, C, for setting a great example of an adult. I've learned so much about what makes a great person from growing up watching you.
4. Thank you, C, for being on my side. Thank you for taking me to summer camp, and making sure that I was in the group that I wanted to be in before leaving. Thank you for picking me up from school when my parents couldn't make it. Thank you for fighting for me when a teacher was being unreasonable and unfair.
5. Thank you, C, for being a second mother to me. Thanks for the make up tips, fashion tips, and just advice in general on surviving grade school. You really showed me that it does take a village to raise a kid. Thanks for being a village :)

Counting my Blessings

Wow. That took up more time than I thought it would. Luckily, the magical relationships exercise is something that only lasts for one day. The other two, the Magical Rock and Counting Your Blessings is a continuos exercise that I have to do everyday until I finish the book.

So, here are my blessings for today:

1. My friend, N, for all the reasons I listed above. I am so thankful to have her as a friend.
2. My old friend, J, for the above reasons. I am so thankful to have met him!
3. My old neighbor, C, for the above reasons. I am so thankful to have her.
4. My Macbook. I am so thankful for my laptop because it gives me a convenient way to do my homework, connect with my friends, store pictures, work on my blog, etc...
5. Netflix. I am especially thankful for Netflix on a day like today, when I am sick (with a common cold, I think). Netflix gives me a chance to entertain myself as I rest and drink lots of fluids.
6. My electric blanket. I am so thankful that electric blankets exist. It keeps me warm when I am cold or sick so that I can still sit in cold rooms in my house and feel comfortable.
7. James Franco. I am thankful for this actor because his capacity to focus gives me hope that it can be done. He is such an inspiration by going to school while acting, teaching, and still doing other projects. Thinking of him gives me hope, and I am so thankful!
8. Cameras! I am so thankful that we live in the era of digital cameras and instant portraits! We have the ability to photo-document our entire lives -- not just rare, premeditated moments.
9. Always Infinity.  Might be a strange thing to be thankful for, but I'm sure that all the girls who tried it are thankful! It's so good to be able to sleep confidently when mother nature pays a visit :)
10. Chocolate. Nothing makes me feel instantly better like chocolate does. I am so thankful for chocolate and everything that it enhances (i.e. chocolate milk, cookies, strawberries, etc...).

Magic Day Two: The Magic Rock Experience

The Magic Changed My Life In One Day

So, I guess it didn't take very long at all for me to fall off the Magic wagon. I only lasted a day until I missed one. Luckily for me, I didn't fall off the positive thinking wagon as well. You see, for the past few years, I have had a lot of trouble finding motivation. If there was something that I had to do, I would have the hardest time making myself do it. It wasn't mere lethargy that kept me from completing tasks, but something more. I still can't explain the absolute dread I felt when doing things like completing my college applications, the FAFSA, homework, writing papers, going to class, and even little things like making a call to cancel a magazine subscription. There were times when I would wake up at 6:00 for my 8AM Statistics discussion, get ready, drive to campus, walk to the math building at 7:45, and not be able to go in. I wish I could tell you why I couldn't make myself walk into that building and go to class. I mean, my homework was done, I was dressed, ready for class, and on time. But I couldn't do it, and I know that might sound like a ridiculous lie, but it's what happened. I would just get this feeling of dread, something telling me that I could not do this.

I have been making "To-Do" lists for as long as I can remember, but I can't remember the last time I completed one... or even finished more than one or two tasks on my list. Then, yesterday, I did it for the first time. I made a list of all the things I had to do, and had been putting off for weeks, and I started checking things off from the moment I woke up. My school had charged me tuition for the spring semester, even though I wasn't registered for classes. I had been meaning to call the registration office and sort it out, but I had been dreading it for weeks. I would have to explain that I was no longer registered for classes, and about being dismissed...

Something changed yesterday for me. Somehow, I found my motivation... or some sort of motivation. I still felt the dread right before I made the call, but this time, I also felt something else... hope? Encouragement? Need for accomplishment? I can't explain this new feeling either, but I'm so glad it kicked in when it did.

I am not sure if this motivation is directly linked to my "positive outlook" that I've been trying to maintain this month, but it would be a really weird coincidence if the two events were totally un-related.

Anyway, this experience has renewed my interest in the power of positive thinking. Yesterday night, I reread my last blog post and thanked God again for the 10 things I listed last time. According to Rhonda Byrne, you have to continue to list 10 things everyday for the next 27 days. So here's my next batch of things I'm thankful for:

1. The Sunny Weather today. It's been pretty rainy and cloudy for the past week, and I was pleasantly surprised to see the sun shining this morning. While I didn't get to enjoy it by going outside, I did open up all the curtains and enjoy a well lit home as I went about my daily tasks. I am so thankful for the sunshine today!

2. Email Notifications. I know that may sound like a strange one, but I'm a very forgetful person. I'll write important dates on my Calendar (i.e. "John's birthday" or "bills due"), and forget to look at the calendar. So, I am very thankful for people and organizations that send me email notifications when I have a deadline coming up.

3. Chipotle Burritos. My mom and I had Chipotle for dinner today, something we rarely do. It was special because it gave us time to talk. Usually she is busy cooking (she doesn't trust my cooking) after work, and I'm busy vacuuming or doing laundry or studying that we don't get to bond. Once I find a job, I'm going to start bringing home take out once a week -- it'll give her a break and us a chance to relax together. Thanks God, for Chipotle.

4. I'm thankful for my counselor, Beverly, who would talk with me last semester. She really helped me understand how I was hurting myself by avoiding my problems, rather than facing them. She was the only good, and helpful thing at that school.

5. I'm thankful for my friend, N. I won't mention her name because it's kind of uncommon and I don't want her stumbling across this blog if she googled herself or something. But I am thankful for her because she was the only person who took me out for my birthday this year. I have a good amount of close friends, but somehow no one has ever spent time with me on my birthday. I guess they assume that I'll be hanging out with someone else. But this year, she called and took me out for lunch. It was a small gesture, but I really appreciated it. I'm usually the one calling my friends and taking them out or organizing birthday parties for them. It's nice to have the gesture returned. I'm so thankful for such a good friend!

6. Credit Cards. Need I say why? Haha, for someone jobless, credit cards are a godsend. Of course I am careful about how much I spend, and I intend to pay everything back when I have a job again. But they're so useful in a tight situation. Thanks for credit!

7. Post it notes. I am so glad that I can make multiple lists, notes, reminders, and such and leave them places I'm likely to see. They really do make my life so much simpler -- and I love that! Thanks for post-its!

8. Blogs! I am so glad that I have this blog as an outlet for all the stuff in my life right now. This way, I am able to interact with people and be honest, and still not have to admit everything to my family and friends until I am ready. A few years ago, people like me wouldn't have this option. I'm sure I would have gone crazy suicidal or something. I am so thankful for blogs!

9. I am thankful for toilet paper. In some countries that I've traveled to, toilet paper isn't common (or doesn't exist). People use their hands, water, etc... I'm grateful I have plenty of access to toilet paper!

10. Calculators on your phone! I am SO thankful for calculator applications because I have the ability to do small calculations quickly without wasting time or looking like an idiot!

The Magic Rock

Well, that's my 10 for today. In addition, Magic Day Two instructions require finding a rock to use as a "magic rock." That means you hold it every night and say "thanks" for the best thing that happened that day. The idea is that while you are trying to remember the "best" thing about your day, you will relive all the great things that happened that day, which reinforces your positive attitude.

Today, the best thing that happened was that I got refunded for 4 months of my Chegg Membership. I had signed up for the homework help way back in November, and meant to cancel my membership after a month. Being me, I forgot and they kept charging me for four months! I only noticed yesterday, so I called them this morning, hoping to get a refund for this past month. But the customer service agent was SO helpful, and she refunded all the months that I didn't use the service. I got a 60 dollar refund when I was only expecting 15! Getting more money back than you initially thought is a pretty great feeling in general, but when you're as cash-strapped as I am, it's the absolute best! :)

I hope you're all having lucky days!

Love,
Silver

Just Do It. Day One of Magic.

So, you all have probably figured out by now that I am terrible at doing what I say I'm going to do. I don't even know how long it's been since my last post. It's so easy for me to make plans to change my life, but that's the easy part. My biggest problem seems to be following through with the plans I make. Recently, I've started saying "just do it" to myself when I start getting lazy. When I'm in the middle of cleaning my room, and I glance at my open laptop, I'll start to convince myself that it's in my best interest to take a facebook break. But I stop myself, look at my messy room and say "just do it!" It works 80% of the time.

Anyway, the very first step of MAGIC is to make a list of 10 things that you are grateful for in your life, and say "Thank you" (to god, a higher power, the force of the universe, or whatever you believe in) three times for each of those. You are supposed to do this everyday for 28 days. So, if I start today, I will be finished on March 20th.

Here goes.

I am so very thankful for the following things in my life:
1. My family. They are my biggest source of support, and I am so thankful that they are healthy, happy and safe. I thank God for them every day.
2. My best friend, Jenny. We have been friends for so long that I barely remember what life was like before her. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive, caring, thoughtful best friend. Our friendship has survived so many tests, that it is one of the few constant things in my life. I am so thankful for it.
3. My Mom. I know I already said family, but I am SO thankful for my mom, I feel that she needs a category for herself. My Dad isn't the most reliable person, and he really isn't a part of most of my life. But I barely felt the lack of a father figure because my Mom has worked so hard to be both parents for me. She would read over my homework, go to every parent teacher meeting, attend all my orchestra concerts, throw my birthday parties, teach me to drive, counsel me when I needed advice, and work full time. On top of that, she would always encourage me to chase after my dreams -- of course that was after making sure I would have a degree to fall back on. I thank God for her everyday.
4. Facebook. I am so thankful to live in an era where I can communicate with almost anyone with the push of a few buttons. The fact that the world is becoming so much more connected is really a marvel -- and a convenience.
5. Smartphones. Again, I am so thankful to live in an era where I don't have to worry about getting lost or being stranded. Of course it may still happen, but the chances are less likely. With GPS navigation and ability to make emergency calls, I like feeling a little safer.
6. The internet. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have been born in the information age, when I have access to answers to almost any question I can come up with. And what's more amazing, I can get those answers in an instance!
7. The U.S.A. I'm glad I live in such a diverse country. I'm not saying that racism, sexism, homophobia, and such don't exist here, but there I've seen more tolerance here than any other place I've traveled. I've seen so much racism and sexism in parts of India, Korea, Jordan, and even Germany, that I've forgotten  I've had such a rare opportunity by growing up in a very diverse society. The novelty of seeing people with different skin and hair and eyes and features than me have worn off. I don't think twice when I see an interracial couple. And I see nothing wrong with a woman learning to shoot a gun, or holding hands in public with a man she's not married to. The small freedoms we take for granted don't exist all over the world. I was once chastised for speaking too loudly when I was in India. Thank God I was born in America!
8. Contact Lenses! Thank God that people with less than perfect eye-sight don't have to be "four-eyes" for the rest of their lives. I am so thankful for contact lenses!
9. E-readers. Advances in technology seems to be a theme for me today. But I am so thankful for my nook, it was the most well spent $69.00 of my life. I have an entire library at my fingertips in less than 6X4 inches of space. The best part: the e-ink display doesn't strain my eyes when I read. Best. Invention. Ever.
10. Herbal Tea. I've recently been introduced to Chamomile Tea, which cures my tension head-aches like no other. I've lived my whole life with headaches when I get especially stressed, and I am so thankful for this cure. I'm so thankful for herbs in general, really.

Well there you go, 10 things I'm grateful for today. That was a little harder than I thought. It's difficult not to go on tangents when you are thinking of these things. But I feel good. Thinking of these things helps me remember why the world is a great place. Sure there are lots of terrible things and people in it, but there are good people and good ideas and good aspects to it, also.

It's late, and I need to sleep. Until tomorrow  --

Silver

Law of Attraction: Starting to Read The Magic

Hello Everyone,

I haven't had a chance to write in a while because I came down with the flu recently. As a result, I had to quit the special K diet (turns out living off cereal isn't the best way to fight the flu). I'm feeling much better now, although I am still a little congested.

So, instead of restarting my diet, I decided to start a new kind of diet. A spiritual diet. I've been hearing about the Law Of Attraction, and Rhonda Byrne's series of books on it for a while now. I've been a skeptic my entire life, so the idea of being able to manifest whatever you want seemed a little "out there." But, I was thinking about my life recently, and I've realized that I'm at a point where I really don't have much left to lose. Why not try out this Law Of Attraction craze? I mean what would I really be risking? What would anyone be risking? It's just a philosophy that tells us not to worry about getting our hopes up.

This image is taken from Amazon.com, and it is a customer image.
Here's the URL: http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-media/product-gallery/1451673442/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_1?ie=UTF8&index=1&isremote=0

Luckily, Rhonda Byrne released a book called The Magic (above) earlier this year, and unlike her other books, it more of a manual to improving your life using the Law Of Attraction. The book is broken into 28 chapters, each containing a step that you must follow in sequence for 28 days. I downloaded the Nook version of the book because I have a Nook Simple Touch eReader that I prefer over hardcopies. It cost me $9.49, which isn't much to lose even if this ends up not working. I am hoping that it does work, and that I become happier with my life and accomplish some goals in the next 28 days. I'll be starting it tomorrow, and I'll blog everyday to keep a record of my progress. Hopefully, I'll have some positive results for you at the end of my journey.

Wish me luck!

Silver

Special K Diet: Day 3

Good morning!

If you live in the Washington DC Metropolitan Area, Happy first snowfall of the year!

Luckily it's less than a couple inches where I live, which is just the way I like snow -- just enough to cover the ground.

So, I've noticed that I've put on a little weight this past year. Not too much for it to be obvious, but enough that I have difficulty making my clothes fit. I'm about 5'1" and I weighed 19.5 lb when I started the Special K Diet (2 days ago). For those of you who don't know, the Special K Diet consists of 3 meals:

Breakfast: One bowl of any Special K Cereal, with 2/3 cup of skim milk and a serving of your favorite fruit.

Lunch: A Special K protein shake, OR a Special K protein meal bar, OR another bowl of cereal and fruit.

Dinner: whatever you normally eat

You are allowed TWO snacks a day, a choice between:

• Special K Protein Snack Bars
• Special K Cereal Bars
• Special K Pastry Crisps
• Special K Crackers and Chips
• Special K Protein Water Mixes

Now, I'm not a big fan of dieting; I have very little will-power (it's one of the things I'm working on developing this year). But I was drawn to this diet because it promised that I would lose one jean size in  two weeks! I thought this was perfect because most of the other diets I have tried are usually a month long, and I could never make it that far. But two weeks seems like a very do-able amount of time. I also like the fact that I can eat whatever I normally eat for dinner. The hardest part of a full time diet is that I start craving the things I normally eat, and once that starts it's just a matter of time until I give up on dieting. So being able to eat one regular meal a day keeps me from craving my old unhealthy lifestyle.

Before starting the diet, I did go out and buy a bunch of Special K products, and at first I was dubious about the ulterior motives that Special K might have (making me buy all their products!), but I went to target and the bill was a little less than 20 dollars (including a couple things I had picked up that weren't Special K), so I'm not complaining about the price. If it helps me lose weight, I would consider those 20 bucks a GREAT investment :)

Here's what I picked up at my local Target:

I'm a very picky eater, especially when it comes to fruits and veggies. Raspberries are one of the few berries that I actually like. And I'm planning on cheating a tiny bit by substituting Wheat-Thins as one of my daily "snacks." If I have 10 crackers, then it should run around 100 Calories, which is the same as having Special K pastry crisps. I really don't think it'll make much of a difference, but I really wanted some variety in this diet.

I'll keep you guys posted on how the diet works out for me. I started out at 19.5 pounds, and my goal is to be at 13.5 lb on February 6. The diet promises that I'll lose "up to" 6 pounds, but I better lose at least 4 pounds in 2 weeks. Otherwise, this is a complete waste of money.

Here are some pictures of my lunch, and my weight on Tuesday:

Hope you're all making progress in your New Years Resolutions!

Silver

How To Get Over A Guy

Earlier today, I had the misfortune of running into an... ex-flame of sorts. I say ex-flame, because he was technically never my boyfriend. I'll call him John for convenience. So, I met John a couple years ago when I got my first real job. We immediately hit it off, and grew very close in a matter of weeks. He was like the boy version of me! I knew he had a girlfriend, and it wasn't a big deal at first because I never really thought about pursuing anything with him. But as we became better friends, we started hanging out more outside of work. His girlfriend was going to school far away, so I didn't think about her much. And as months went by, John and I became inseparable. We would go see movies together, get dinner together, confide in each other, and stay up really late just talking to each other. I knew that this relationship was becoming slightly inappropriate, but I would just tell myself that it was okay because John and I never engaged in anything physical. We never kissed, and we barely ever hugged. So he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend, right? Wrong.

Just because we didn't have a physical relationship, doesn't mean that we didn't have an emotional one. And personally, emotional affairs are just as painful, if not more painful than physical affairs. Because getting over John was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Eventually, his girlfriend started realizing that I was becoming a more regular aspect of his life, and she didn't like it. Long story short, he picked her.

This wasn't the first time I've had to get over some guy, but it certainly was the fastest. Here are some tips that helped me.

How To Get Over a Guy:

1. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. This is the most important step! Ever hear the saying, "out of sight, out of mind?" It really does work. I know this is harder said than done, but it is worth it. If you are keeping yourself updated on his life, you will only obsess about what could have been. Keeping your distance means removing him (and his new girlfriend) from your news feed on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and whatever other social network you both use. It might also mean removing his close friends who constantly post statuses and updates about him. Don't contact him and avoid anything that might be a source of information about him. The point is, DO NOT, under any circumstances, look him up. 
2. ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOU NEED FOR CLOSURE. It's easier to do this after a week or so of distance from him. Really sit by yourself, and speak aloud about your feelings. Talking to yourself helps you figure out how you feel. Sometimes, we're tempted to confide in our closest girlfriends and ask their opinions, but that only makes it harder for you to isolate and understand your own feelings about the break-up. Ask yourself how you feel towards the guy now, after some distance. Do you still feel like you are in love with him? Do you think he's in love with you? How do you feel if you think he still loves you? How do you feel if he doesn't love you? How do you feel about the whatever happened that lead to the break-up? Betrayed? Sorry? Guilty? Ashamed? Suffocated? Is there something that you would like to get from him that would give you closure? An apology? An explanation? A confession? Now consider if it might be beneficial for you to go see you ex (NOTE: DO NOT SEE HIM UNTIL YOU ARE COMPLETELY CONFIDENT THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE IN CHECK). The only reasons to see him would be if you need to return his things, or if you really need something (i.e. an apology, explanation, etc...) from him.
3. MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF.  Sometimes, people tend to let a relationship define them. Use this post break-up time to rediscover what you love about you. After all, how can you expect someone else to love you, if you don't even love you?
4. GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. So what if you're single? You're not dead. Get a group of friends and go enjoy the beautiful world you live in. Volunteer at an Animal Shelter. Take a Painting Class. Sign up for a marathon. Go watch a play at your Community Theatre. Finish the New York Times Crossword without cheating! When you're doing something new and exciting, you leave less time for worrying and moping. So spend your time enjoying life, and know that when one door closes, another one opens :)

I really hope these tips help you get over a bad relationship. They helped me a lot, and after seeing John and his girlfriend today, I can finally say I'm over him =]

Silver

Taking Charge of My Finances: Step One

Hello all,

I know I haven't written on this blog in a while, but that's because nothing much has been happening. This month has been flying by. At the beginning of January, I promised myself that I would work hard to meet my goals of reducing my debt and finding a job to save up for returning to school. But I've been spending the last two weeks waking up at noon, lounging around the house watching TV and such. Before I knew it, I realized that I had already wasted half the month doing nothing!

But I'm happy to say, that instead of getting depressed and ranting about how much I hate myself, I signed up for a free online course on Coursera.org called "Fundamentals of Personal Financial Planning." Now I know that it's only the first step in reaching my goals, but it's a step nonetheless. I really like Coursera because it allows me to learn for free. It's a website that hosts many different classes in a variety of Topics from different Universities (some of them are rather prestigious). In addition to the Financial Planning class, I'm taking a Cryptography class from Stanford, and a basic programming class from the University of Washington. These classes just started this past Monday, so I'll be keeping you updated on my progress.

Today, I finished the first week of lectures for the Personal Finance class, and I just submitted my homework assignment (which I got a 100% on). It isn't difficult at all, and I'm sure the subject is very diluted to make sure that everyone can follow along, but I'm still glad about it. If nothing else, at least it serves as a confidence booster.

This week I'll be making an assessment of my net worth -- which I'm sure will be a VERY negative number. But I need to know where I stand in order to know how far I need to climb.

I'm exhauseted... I think this gloomy weather is translating into my mood. It's been rainy/foggy/cloudy for the past five days or so. I'm going to make some tea and go find something productive to do!

Laters!
Silver

Mornings

I hope you're all having a much more productive day than I am. It's noon, and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. 

Getting out of bed in the morning is the hardest part of the day for me, especially in the recent years. Getting out of bed means it's time to face reality. It means accepting the fact that I have no money. It means accepting the fact that I am no longer a student. It means accepting that I might have ruined my entire life. It means accepting that I'm a failure, and that there is a possibility that I might stay a failure.

I know there are fairytale-like stories of people who have hit rock-bottom, and learned from their mistakes only to rise to the top again. But what if they're the exceptions, not the rule. What if we are all meant to be defined by our past. In a way, we are, right? That's why banks and lenders ask for your credit history before they approve a loan. That's why colleges and employers ask for your transcripts before accepting you or hiring you. People want to see how you responsible you have been about paying back your previous debts, so they can get an idea of how responsible you will be. And employers ask for your transcript to see how much of a work ethic you've displayed in the past to help predict what type of worker you'll be in the future. My past is a series of failures. The only successes I've had resulted from sheer luck. 

God, what I wouldn't give for a chance to start over, for a re-do button.

See, that's the worst part about getting out of bed in the morning. It means I have to accept that there is no re-do button.

Freaking Out: My Life Is Falling Apart

I think I'm having a panic attack. I've never had one before, so I'm not sure what the symptoms are. But my heart is pounding, and all I see are the possible negative outcomes of my decisions.

I got my official academic dismissal email and now I can't stop wondering if this is the beginning of the end of my life. What if I don't get a job at ALL this semester? How will I pay off my credit card debt? How will I save enough money to move out? How will I tell my parents that I'm a failure? How will I complete my education? All my friends and family will be angry and disappointed in me. I've been kicked out of College! Damn. How on earth did I let this happen?

What do people do in these situations? Has anyone been in this kind of situation? Has anyone been a decent student in high school, scored well on their SAT's and been accepted into a competitive University, and then been kicked out their senior year?! I feel like the world's biggest failure right now. I don't know what my problem is. Why can't I learn material by reading the textbook? Why can't I pay attention in lecture? Why can't I make myself GO to lecture? Why am I my own worst enemy?

I feel like I just can't catch a break. Like I can't do anything right. I'm SO mad at myself, I can't stand it. I'm mad that I'm the reason I'm in this mess. I'm mad that I'm so self-destructive. I am so desperately wishing that I were in any other situation so that I could be mad at someone or something else. God, a drunk driver, the economy, a doctor, or fate.

I hate feeling this way. Alone. Cornered. Hopeless. Defeated. Is this despair?

It's horrible. I hope you never have to feel this way.

Silver

The Beginning Is the Hardest Part

Good Afternoon Everyone!

I hope you all had fun celebrating the New Year, and made fun New Year's Resolutions! I spent my New Year's Eve with my family, so it was a quiet but comforting night. Last night, I was happily dreaming about how I was going to make 2013 a successful year by turning my life around. But when I woke up this morning, I was anything but happy.

I've finally realized how far I've fallen. It feels like I'm standing at the foot of Mt. Everest, and I've got a long way to hike, and even more work if I want to make it to the top of that mountain by the end of this year. And to make matters worse, my track record with obstacles doesn't provide any reassurance.

The holidays provided a false sense of security because everyone was happy, and no one knows that I've flunked out of school. I've successfully managed to keep my academic probation and dismissal from my friends and family. I know I'll have to tell them eventually, but I just can't handle that right now. Right now, I feel like I have no substance, nothing real or solid to support me. The only thing keeping me together is the support of my friends and family. If they knew about all my mistakes, and lies, it would change the way they viewed me. Maybe some of them would continue to see me the same as they do now, but some would pity me or see me as a failure, and I can't handle that. I don't believe in myself at all right now, and if my friends and family stopped believing in me too, I don't know what I'd do. I can only handle so much change right now.

I just feel that it will be easier to tell everyone the truth when I have something. Right now, I have nothing. No education. No job. No prospects. Nothing. 

It's going to be a long uphill battle.

First, I need to find a job -- preferably one with flexible hours and good pay, so I can still take a couple classes and start paying off my debts and start saving money so I can rent a place of my own. I know that as long as I am under my parents' roof, I'll never grow up and start taking responsibility. I need to be on my own so I can make my own decisions with out the security blanket that is Mommy and Daddy. Then I need some experience through self projects or work, to help solidify my resume so I can get a better job or get back into college. I really want to complete my undergraduate degree in Computer Science.

I'm going to do it. I will work as hard as I can to make sure I get my degree.

I wish you all good luck in your own endeavors this year. And if you're attempting to reinvent yourself or your life this year, too, may this year be our year. I know we can do it! And if you're looking for some support or just want someone to talk to about whatever battle you're fighting, I would be more than happy to be your friend, or confidant, or sponsor, or just a stranger who listens to your story. I know how much easier it is to spill your darkest secrets to a complete stranger as opposed to your best friend :) So, if that's the case, leave me a comment, or shoot me an email at SilverRoses90@gmail.com. I'm a great listener, and now that I'm not in school, I'll have plenty of free time to reply :)

Good luck!

Silver